If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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