My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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