Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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