The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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