The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
not ubering you a puppy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
