I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
