I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
