things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
