so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
