things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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