When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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