Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Alive.
So much puke
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
