he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize