Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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