just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize