I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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