I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
