i don't like sucking hair
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
