I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize