did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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