She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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