Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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