I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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