Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
