omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My ass is underappreciated
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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