You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
