Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
