meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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