weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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