I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
