i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
