Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
