just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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