I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
