ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
