Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
