Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
