I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
