haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
