I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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