Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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