Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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