God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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