I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
