I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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