I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
