Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just blew my weed a kiss
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
