Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
