By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
