I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
