Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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