I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize