I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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