when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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