i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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