Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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