i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
