I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
