just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
