New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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