Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
