Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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