after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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